Evan's Humble Corner

i want to cry because i just cannot believe someone i love so much could actually say something as hurtful as this. my brother and i were talking the other day about homosexual relationships. there's this friend of mine that had a girlfriend and she cheated on her with another girl and after she hooked up with that other girl, she cheated on that other girl with yet another girl. she's been together with this girl for a while now but the way she behaves when her girl's not around is...well you can tell this relationship will finish just as badly as all the others. i was telling my brother i couldn't understand this type of behavior, obviously looking at the relationship like i would look at a regular relationship and he said i needed to stop looking at same-sex relationships that way because they were not the same and they would never be the same. added to that, he said that's the life of gays and lesbians, hop into one relationship right after the other because even though they felt whoever they were presently with filled them to a point, it never filled them completely because they were with someone of the same sex and not the way god had intended them to be. he thinks homosexual people don't feel love, only a sense of completion for a while and after they grow out of it, they just look for somebody else to make them feel like that. i tried to tell him he obviously doesn't know that but he is so dead-set with this mindset, just like my mother and father and my sister.

i'm glad i know his opinion now because it just helped me decide what i always feared i'd have to decide at some point in my life. if the person i'm meant to spend the rest of my life with turns out to be a girl after all then i know it's going to be love or family. i know what i'm choosing...

hi everyone!

happy early thanksgiving! i was wondering if someone here knew how to transfer psp scenes onto their computers. i have my psp and the usb cable that connects it to my computer and i also have the crisis core game. i would love to have cgi and just regular scenes from the game in my system but i have no idea how to do it. i don't know how reliable the sources online are. i've been told there have been people that have been instructed to delete stuff from their computers that they're not supposed to and their whole system collapses :s i hope someone here can help! whoever does gets a cookie!

much love!

E

This song reminds me of someone and I decided to post it here. I tend to forget songs after a while of not listening to them and I'd like to keep this one ;p

i smile.
when people ask about you, i smile.
when they want to know what went wrong, i smile.
i smile when i tell them i just spoke to you the other day.
i smile when i tell them that you have a girlfriend you would like me to meet.
i smile, even when my world is falling apart.
i smile because i can't cry, because i feel like crying but the tears won't come.
i smile when i miss you.
i smile when i think of everything you did for me.
you believed in me when nobody else did and gave me confidence i thought i'd lost forever.
when i try to think of the difference in my life, then and now, i smile.
the difference was having met you.
yet now that i love you, i wish we'd never met.
i don't know how to get over you.
i don't know if i have to cry.
i don't know if i have to stop and talk about it.
i don't know if i have to keep going and leave it behind.
i'm trying, i really am.
it's not staying behind no matter how hard i want it to.
i keep wishing you'd tell me you were lying that night.
i don't know how that would change things, or even if it would change things.
it definitely would help stop making me feel nauseous to myself, about myself.
i could stop thinking of everything that's wrong with me.
i could stop thinking of everything that makes me not your type.
i could stop putting myself in your shoes.
i could stop convincing myself that no one likes to reject unrequited love.
i could stop telling myself it's not your fault.
because it is your fault.
you just wanted me to fall for you, and i did.
guess you didn't know me so well.
guess you didn't know me so well at all...

i finally got around to reading the chapter of the naruto manga for the past week. just a question, was i the only one going "sakura wtf are you doing?" 

i must say, i'm very disillusioned with the turn the manga has taken and this week's chapter seems to have made it stoop lower in my scale....if that was even possible. i keep wondering just what the hell is going to happen to sasuke. he's a missing-nin, a criminal, and also apparently a part of an ancient tale that says he's supposed to kill naruto in the end. at this point, there's nothing he can do to save himself and nothing anyone can do to save him. the kages have been deciding the leader of their alliance for five chapters. i would've chosen gaara but, oh well, raikage's *yaaaaaaaawn* raikage's alright (boring). danzou's contribution to the manga accounts to more wtf moments than i can stomach. but hey, hurray for naruto who's gone from wet-behind-the-ears to i-can-tell-when-you're-lying-to-take-advantage-of-me-sakura....

why, oh why, have you died itachi!?! 

sorry, i just needed to get this out of my system...

E

i went looking for the bit of clack in the advent children complete movie on youtube. as you all know, i bought the movie thinking i had a blue-ray drive installed in my sony vaio. turns out, i was tricked into believing i had one. i'm understandably pissed but that's a rant for another moment. i couldn't find the clack bit but i did find these 5-8 seconds of zack being his absolutely delightful and adorable self.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGbLs7PpWo0

starts at :44. i thought i'd share this with you guys....those of you who salivate at the sight of zack doing nothing XD i will appreciate it enormously if any of you know where to find the pep talk zack gives cloud before he goes back to fighting sephiroth in advent complete! 

much love! 

E 

i stole this from amarissia's lj. i kept answering the questions in my head as i went and found my answers to be quite interesting....

How old were you when you first heard/saw any form of yaoi?

18. A late bloomer -_-'

If you can remember, what form was it? (Fanfic, picture, etc.)

I had just gotten hooked to the Naruto anime and as I had done before with the Dragon Ball Z anime, I got hooked to the fanfiction too. Then I came across a SasuNaru fic and I was like who the F is Sasunaru?? (such ignorance, i know). I clicked, I read, I loved and voila! A new yaoi fan is born!

Who introduced you to yaoi, if anyone did?

Came across it on my own...

Have you recently corrupted anyone with yaoi this month? If so, how many?

Closet yaoi fan here...

How many people have you scarred so far?

Confused?

Could you turn your straight friends gay/curious?

Yes. I've had my years of experimenting and the more I told one of my childhood friends about them, the more curious she grew. She told me the other day she'd gone to third base with this chick.....in my defense, though, she was the one always asking questions, even before I went off to my "adventures".....maybe she turned me gay/curious now that i think of it.... *scratches head*

Would you corrupt your own spouse into liking yaoi if he/she didn’t?

Complicated question. I dunno.

Have you ever corrupted children? If so, what grades were they?

NOT

If you had kids, would you corrupt them, too?

I think I would purposely leave something laying around and see if their interest is piqued. If yes, cool. If not, bummer. I definitely wouldn't piss on them if they did like it though.

Do any of your relatives know you like yaoi?

No. Though I have my suspicions. My sister always looks like she knows more than you give her credit for. I think she may have been a yaoi fan once too....she's into church and religion and stuff now. considering how the church frowns upon homosexuality, she may have given it up.

Do you read anything yaoi related?

Currently I am obsessed with the FVII fandom though I skip around. Naruto, Hetalia, Kingdom Hearts, Star Wars, Ranma 1/2, D.Grey Man, not a lot but I skip a lot of pairings too.

Do you write anything yaoi related?

Naruto and FFVII. Currently obsessed with Angeal and Zack. They're so adorable! 

Do you draw anything yaoi related?

I drew SasuNaru once but it was horrible! I like drawing random stuff though. Windows and trees and 3-D fruits....like I said, random stuff!

Do your conversations always include yaoi?

With Izzi (my msn buddy) yes, ALWAYS. other than that, no.

Which do you like best: a “uke” or “seme” character?

Semes....there's just something about Angeal....

What do you prefer in a yaoi story/drawing: dirty or clean

Story: clean/ Drawing: dirty

Do you like feminine or masculine characters?

I like Angeal. Is he not the embodiment of masculinity???? I like pretty boys like Zack too, though. And Genesis. And Seph. Oh! and Cloud.

Do you like male shota-con?

Well written, I don't have qualms. Written as something that should be right, no....

Do you like yaoi incest?

NOT. AT.ALL. ItaSasu is disturbing. I can't say it enough times! 

Do you like soft plots in a fanfic/doujinshi?

Not really. Actually, I like plots that are confusing enough to make my head hurt.

Do you like raw/relentless love or timid/shy love in a yaoi scene?

Raw/Relentless. Can't do with timid/shy unless it is done purposely, like if it's kinky for one of the characters.

Do you like mindless, pointless yaoi fanfics/doujinshis (PWP)?

It seems the only thing I'm able to write these days...

Do you enjoy your fav. character(s) tortured during a yaoi scene?

To a point. If there is a chance of repairing the damage done. Sometimes it goes overboard and it's just no.

Getting raped in a yaoi scene?

NOT.

Being tentacle raped in a yaoi scene?

Huh?

Having bondage performed on him in a yaoi scene?

Ooooh love bondage! Not the torturing kind though. Just the kinky kind ^^ 

Involving food in a yaoi scene?

You know, I thought I wouldn't like this but Izzi's SasuNaru fic "Play With Your Food" sort of made me realize I did. A LOT lol.

Imagine yourself in the scene?

I have never consciously written characters with something about me in them. They could have something and if they do, I didn't mean it.

Would you dominate the world to spread yaoi?

YES!!! 

Be honest. How corrupt do you think you are?

I've always been a pretty bashful person. Izzi was the one that broke me free! Lol, I'm pretty shameless now.... -__-'

X-Posted to Crisis Hardcore

More Zangeal, because I just can't get enough =)

Title: Blunt
Pairing: Angeal/Zack
Warning(s): Language (hardly) and sexual implications
Disclaimer: Do Not Own...
Summary: It hadn't always been peachy with Angeal...
Author notes: I am thinking of submitting this for ayuka86's fanfic challenge. The song I got was "Sway" performed by Bic Runga. Oldie I know...

{Link}

i thought i'd be a crying mess without you yet i haven't cried at all. i'm not holding back, i just haven't been able to. maybe because i'm scared. scared that if i let it all out, i'll get over you and there's that ever-forgiving part of me that doesn't want to forget you. because even after the emotional roller-coaster you put me through i can see the things that i can take away from everything we were, things that once made me feel like the happiest being in the world.

i remember that and i start to miss you. i start to miss how i felt when i was with you. i start to miss how much i used to laugh with you. i even miss crying for you. i can't even have that. makes me wonder if you took that many things with you when you left. you made such a mess in my life and i should be sealing the door closed to never let you in again. the problem is i know, i know if you came back to me i'd let you right in. i'm not strong enough to push you away and you're not strong enough to stay away from me. 

but we don't fit together.

we're better apart than we are together.

we only hurt each other when we're together.

and all we've got left is this. we wonder and wonder and wonder. wonder if you're alright, wonder if it was my fault, wonder if i could turn back time so i could take back the little things that broke us apart. the truth is i've lost you. if i haven't, i want to. i've never let anyone get so close to me, i trusted you and you threw that away as if it was worth nothing when i told you from the beginning that trust was the most precious thing for me to give away. i'm stupid enough to believe someone like you wouldn't hurt me.

now i'm back, here, wishing i could cry for everything you've done to me. truth is, i can't cry because the pain is too much, because if i finally let the wound you've caused bleed in the open, my whole life would get fucked up. i was willing to give up a lot of things for you but not my life. it's too much to give and i've got too many things going for me to let you fuck that up. i had to choose between moving on or giving myself to you just like you had to. we both chose to move on. so it might hurt, some nights i might not be able to handle the pain, but i will get over you if it's the last thing i do. you might just be the last man i ever fall for...  

i try
try to make my heart understand
that life is what it is
and things are what they are
i didn't ask to fall for you
i didn't ask for you to become a part of my life
i just...needed to
i just....needed you to regardless

sometimes, we need to fall in love
regardless of how impossible it is that it is returned to us
no matter how much of a waste it is
no matter how much it hurts later on
it's either that or going through life loving nobody at all
i'd rather take my chances when it comes to you

i try to figure out what i got out of this
when i'm alone and i think of the mess we made
out of us, what can i take with me?
i treasure the moments we shared
i value the words you said
i start regretting everything i yelled
and i start to question whether it was my fault

the sad thing is, it's not
no matter how we look at things, you're the one that fucked up
i wish i could say you messed up the best thing you ever had in your life
but i don't know that
and you don't know that
and that's what makes me scared

i'm not scared that you can find someone better
i'm scared you'll find someone that's going to keep you
there really are plenty of fish in the water
i'm not the only one your heart can want to belong to
and you're not the only one my heart will want to settle for

hope is for fools and i'm a fool
for thinking that you're destined to come back to me someday
things between us were consistently indefinite
i should know this is the end
i should know you're gone for good
and stop short from disappointing myself

yet i'm still holding on to you....

i was completely smitten by her
her smile, her hair, her eyes
they say life is about the moments that take your breath away
she is undeniably the most beautiful thing i have ever seen 
i've been fighting this war against myself only to lose at first sight
how do you fight something you don't see coming?
how do you let it go when all you want is to hold it close?
she makes me feel like nobody else does
like i could take on the world with her by my side
like i could discover things larger than lifesize every day with her

for once, just for once, i wish i could have exactly what i want
i wish things worked to my favor
and instead of going on with my life, there'd be a way for us to be together
there'd be a way for me to let her go and have her come find me
just for once
just for once, i wish the universe unfolded unlike the way it should
and in the twisted dimension of everything not meant to be, we could be

if i promised my heart, i don't think it'd be enough
if i promised my all, would she take it? 
if i knew what makes her happy, by all means i'd try to give it to her
it's the way i love a woman
it's the way i would love her...

You.
You’re the one that made me realize that there is still life left to live when I had given up hope.
You’re the one that tore me in, broke me down, put me back together in one piece.
You’re the one I trusted with my heart after years of not trusting anyone.
You’re the one that made me smile. I realized when you did that it had been a long time since I had last smiled like that.
You’re the one that made me see the world differently.
You’re the one, the one reason I don‘t give up anymore.
You’re the one that changed me, made me forget who I used to be, made me forget the part of me that I will forever regret.

And I? I’m just the kind of fool that would fall for someone like you.

You lie to me and I still see the good in you.
You show me you’re not interested in me and I manage to be confused.
You tell me a relationship is not what you’re looking for and I still think we’re meant to be.

If I manage to get away, you pull me back in only being yourself.
I think it’s not fair.
I’ve been alone for a hell of a long time.
I had grown so used to being alone I didn’t mind the space around me.
Now I feel it weighing down on me.
I hate being in love, always have.
How do I manage to get hurt every time?  
How do I manage to miss every time?
How do I fucking manage that?
How do I fuck things up so badly that nobody wants to be with me?
Why do I always have to change?

Yes, I’m that kind of fool.
The kind that believes in destiny and love at first sight.
The kind that has her life so tightly put together she can’t fit anybody else in.
The kind that had guarded her heart until now.
The kind that cries over the painful remains of what used to be.

I try to think there are people far worse off and it doesn’t hurt so bad.
But sometimes, just sometimes, loneliness defeats me.
Why is it that you can be alone for a long time but once you let someone in, even if it’s the wrong person, loneliness becomes this huge fucking weight on you?
I was fine being alone until you fucking came along and ruined everything I had built up until now.
I’m back to zero and some days I regret having ever met you.
I didn’t want to fall in love.
I didn’t ask to be in love.
And I fucking hate that I fell for the beautiful illusion it can create.
It has destroyed me in the past and I gave it a chance.
How fucking dumb can I be? 
In a battle that I have fought for years, I’ve lost.
I don’t even know what to think anymore…

things change over and over again. remember that lie? the one where people that need something from you say they "love" you? it's a lie we live everyday. get over it, get over it. you get over it. you try to get over the world. love just happens to be this big dilemma for me. i can't find it. anywhere. they say home is where the heart is. i would like to leave that blank. i have a heart, i just don't know where it is.

you get so many feelings, but just one is the one that works and whether or not you like it, you always agree you want to feel that way. it's not always easy, and it is often wrong. yet you can't help feeling that way; for people. people you love. never trust someone that says "i love you," always know it's not true. always know it's not about you. it's about everybody else in the world but you. it's not about you. it's not about you.

so from blurry you go to straight? or just clear? maybe just nowhere at all. funny how life works and goes and comes back around. how it leaves and goes. how it does and then stops and it's something else. something entirely different.

i was reading through my old journal books and i was considering the possibility of posting some of the stuff i've written just in case i ever lose some of them, i have them online to go back to, since i move around so much. some of the stuff is completely emoish. it was written around the time my parents got separated so....yeah, deal with it. heads up, some of the stuff i wrote when i was on drugs or drunk off my ass so it may not make so much sense. i'd just like to keep it here. you can comment if you like, i will not turn down whatever insight you might have and i won't bitch you out either. i respect everyone's opinion, i just expect you to respect my own as well.

that is all =)

it's fucking hard to resist falling in love with someone who turns out to be everything you've ever wanted in your life. someone who turns the mess you've been going through all this time up right for once while making you smile every day. he's given me a reason to live again. it was when i met him that i realized that up until now, i've been doing nothing but breathing and going through the motions, miserable and numb. with him i see things i've been missing, things i've been taking for granted, they have a new meaning now. it's a shame, it's such a shame, that he doesn't feel at all what i feel for him. i realize now that pain is just inevitable in any sort of situation. you can have love and still suffer just like you can have anything in the world and not be happy. is it better, then, to not have anything at all? 

there's a reason i've resisted relationships this long. i had grown used to being alone, it was like breathing to me. with him, i feel alone. i hate it when he's not around, when he doesn't call, when he doesn't talk to me, i hate it now. i used to think the strength i had developed while being alone was an infallible force that no one would be able to tear up. i forget we're still human. what it took to break the walls i had built up around me was nothing more than love. love he's shown me he can have for other people, anyone, but me.

it's been a long time since i've laughed the way he makes me laugh. i missed it. all the time i've spent telling myself i don't need to laugh so often has only served to prove how wrong i was. i miss being held, being kissed, being touched. i've denied myself those things on purpose because it hurts that much more to remember that i will never have that, not from him or probably anybody. sometimes i criitically look at myself and ask what's missing. what could make me suitable? i don't know, i've never known, and i probably will never find out.

i value everything he is to me so much more. he is always there for me, i can't deny that, and a part of me wishes that he could disappoint me, a part of me wishes he could fuck up bad, because that would give me an excuse to push him out of my life and go back to me, alone, like i've always been. i don't need people to make me happy and i hate it when they do because i am subjected to having to face reality: i fucking hate being alone. i don't need people coming into my life just to make me realize how much being alone sucks, i seriously don't. i'm done with getting my hopes up. all i ever get is fucking pain and i'm so tired. i'm so tired of crying, of being bitter, of being psycho-analitical with myself.

maybe it is good for stuff like this to happen once in a while. next time, i won't be as stupid as to remain completely unguarded against someone that only wanted to play with my feelings. i saw it coming and i still let it happen, thinking there was a chance, because we were so compatible together. but no more. next time, i'll fight it off from the beginning and cut it short before it can even start. i want to be alone.

Sometimes I can live without you, other times I can’t take it anymore. Sometimes I just want to love you, other times I hate you so much. I hate myself more for not being able to give you what I don’t have. These unexplained bursts of anger are explained, justified even, but it isn’t a reason you want and it isn’t a reason I can give you.

So all remains confusing and unclear. I wish I could put into words what I feel for you. So far it’s a secret I’m successfully taking to my grave. I have no problem with you never knowing but can I live my life in peace like that? I know once it’s out, there’s no turning back and it scares me because I don’t know what you feel. I thought your feelings for me were so clear but they aren’t.

I wish you could understand. There aren’t many people who captivate my heart, there aren’t many people that care about me, as pathetic as that might sound. I’ve never had someone I could trust wholeheartedly, I’ve never trusted anyone like this. At first I thought it was a deep sense of gratitude I felt but soon I realized it was a misplaced emotion.

I started wondering if I wasn’t clear enough because I thought I was. I can’t hide the longing in my eyes even if I wanted to and I hate myself for that because I know you know. I know you don’t want to know. I know that I’m stupid for thinking of you this way, but I can’t help it.
 
I can’t fucking help it and I fucking hate myself for loving you, for loving everything about you, for striving each day to make you smile, because you make it so much worth it. I hate that I like to hug you, that I like to kiss you, that I like to hold you. I hate that I can’t talk while I’m around you, I hate that I can’t look into your eyes because I’m afraid you’ll see how much I really want you. I hate that I’d know your scent anywhere. I hate that you’re the only one I think about before going to sleep and the first I think about when I wake up. I hate your fucking voice at night, telling me to live because you know so well how many times I’ve died. But only you know so well how to make me alive.

I never feel as awake as when I’m with you then I enter this guilt trip where everything doesn’t make sense, where I don’t find anything in my life that is fair and I know I have so many things to be grateful for and I know I’m indebted to so many people, but I’ve been most grateful for you because you’ve shown me there’s another way to life, a way you live and love and smile like you’ve never been hurt in your life. You know because it’s the way you live, I know because you’ve shown it to me.

Now that I find you, I fall in love with you. I’d ruin my only reason to love, to hope, to believe, to dream but I understand the world is what it is. I understand we are who we are and I understand this is what it is. If I can ignore it the rest of my life, I will. If I can avoid it the rest of my life, I will. If I can keep it a secret as long as I live, I will. And even if it kills me inside, if I have to be happy for you when you find your better half
I will be. For your happiness I will smile. For your sake I will live.

what i hate about love is the fact that you get fooled when you feel it, you get hurt when you let it in, and it comes back to you as if you've never forgotten it the second you start to feel it again, no matter how long you've gone without loving anyone. it fucking turns your life upside down when you least expect it, arrives the moment you've unconsciously let your guard down and the more you fight it, the more you realize, there really is no way to fight love. denying yourself from it hurts, but succumbing to it hurts too. i fucking despise love. it's pain, even in  the off chance you might get something positive out of it, in the long run it is bound to hurt you. why are people so fond of love? it's like saying they're fond of getting fucked with.

i might be running away, cause really, isn't that what people do when they want to escape what they can't change? but i refuse to be taken down again. i won't be a fool for love. i'd rather be in pain for stopping things before they got too far than being in pain from getting fucking used. i really fucking hate love.

i decided to write this because it is one thing that has made me look at my dad differently after all the years i have spent walking on the blurry line between hating him and loving him. as you all know....or don't.....my dad cheated on my mom like six years ago and they got separated and it was this huge mess before they got back together. when they got together i got really angry and up until now all the anger fluctuates between manageable and out of control. what this means, basically, is that i have good days and bad days. my life is a huge fucking mess despite me being a total control freak but, gah, whatever. let's stop the whining and move on with the story.

so, mother's day. my mom is a fucking puritan, imagine that, so what she wanted her mother's day gift to be was for us to go to church with her as a family, me my brother and my dad cause my sister takes after her and her....puritan....ways....

of course my first reaction was "FUCK NO!" but that made her cry so i went so i could make it up to her. i mean, no one likes making their mom cry on fucking mother's day you know? so, anyway, i went and my brother went but my dad, a selfish asshole, didn't go despite the fact that it would make her unhappy. she was happy we went, not ecstatic cause of my dad, and mother's day celebration was to be held at my grandmas. guess what? my dad hates my grandma so of course he didn't want to go there either....

my mom cried the whole ride over to grandma's cause my dad didn't end up coming with us. i was of course sad for her and fucking pissed off at my dad cause seriously, i dunno why the guy never gets tired of making her miserable. while we were there though, already settled and just a little after having dinner, guess who made it to the party? my dad! i was like WOW i can't believe he actually thought of someone else's happiness! 

the look on my mom's face, she was like the happiest woman in the world. i guess old habits CAN really die...i mean, sometimes..... and i guess my dad's not that big of a jackass, he's changed somewhat, it just took me mother's day this past Sunday to realize it :D